I still remember that moment...sitting on the couch, bent over with my face in my hands, crying.

Why? Because I didn’t feel good about myself. I wasn’t happy with my body. And yet again, I had gone up another pant size.

This was a moment that actually happened a few times. I don't consider myself much of a crier when it comes to topics like this (puppies do make me cry happy tears). Which I think is a big reason it got to me so much. The fact that I felt this torn down and unhappy with myself was so discouraging.

Why was it so hard to lose weight?
Why did I feel so shitty about myself?
Why did I continue to GAIN weight year after year, even though I was seemingly making healthier choices and working out more regularly?

I was at a loss, so frustrated and feeling completely discouraged.

But all the actions I was taking were done from a place of hate and resentment. I exercised because I DIDN’T like what I saw in the mirror. I followed diets because I just wanted my damn thighs to be thinner. Nothing was done out of a place of love.

Every workout was based around the thoughts of "I wonder how much fat I burnt." ... "Can I see my abs yet?" ... "Are my thighs any thinner?"

Every meal I analyzed. "Did that make me gain fat?" ... "Am I healthier now?" ... "I wonder how many meals like this until I'm skinny."

I felt like I had to have this grip on my exercise and everything that I ate to try and force the change that I wanted. The more I tried to control and force the results I wanted, the harder it was and the less results I saw. The more frustrated and down I felt. It was a vicious, shitty cycle of never getting anywhere and only being miserable in the process.

I followed this cycle for years. Until I finally got to a point where I was so sick of feeling like shit, I had to take a different approach. It was time to flip my focus.

Obviously taking the approach of being motivated only because I DIDN'T like what I saw wasn't working. So I released that grip I had on wanting to force change and started to focus on what I loved, what I wanted to see, and enjoying the process.

And that’s where the real change started.

But was scary and uncomfortable at first. I had this irrational fear that if I let go of my grip on so desperately wanting to lose weight, that all of a sudden I’d go backwards and gain a bunch of weight. It made no sense...but it was a real fear that kept enticing me to go back into my old ways the thought patterns. But I stuck with it.

Low and behold, I didn't gain a bunch of weight or take steps backwards like I feared.

Quite the opposite actually...

Through building a healthier relationship with myself and changing my focus from making changes because I hated what I saw, to making healthy changes because I appreciated myself, everything started to become so much easier.

Making healthier choices seemed almost effortless when coming from a place of appreciation, rather than hate. I felt good when I looked at myself in the mirror (something that I hadn't truly felt). I had more confidence which spilled into all areas of my life.

I loved how I was feeling. I was finally connecting what I was eating to how I was feeling...which naturally made me want to continue eating healthier. Something that I was so blind to before because I was so focused on just the physical and treated healthy eating like a chore.

And with all of that, my body also started to change in a way that I had never seen before. Physical results were no longer my main focus...yet I was seeing more change than I ever had and I was feeling good in the process. The actions I was taking really hadn't changed all that much, but the results I saw were on another level. It is true...what you appreciate, appreciates! Focus on all the stuff you love, find more of that. <3 

It wasn’t a completely smooth journey though, I'm going to be real. Overcoming the negative self-talk, bad habits, and working on my connections to food, my body, and exercise...it all took work. The mental piece of the journey is the part that takes the most work. It's that voice inside your head that tries to keep you stuck in the familiar. Which includes the familiar way of thinking. For example, automatically focusing on what you don't like when you look in the mirror, being motivated by the negative, etc.

Hell, there are STILL times when that old voice comes in and I start to focus on all the flaws. But each time I have the choice to refocus.

I’ve never felt this good, this healthy, and this strong. And it came from changing my focus.

Once I realized that real change wasn't going to come through a specific diet or exercise routine, it allowed me to put the work into what really mattered and made the biggest difference...my mindset.

Real change comes from addressing the root of the actions you’re taking. WHY you want to make the change. The connections you have to your body, food, and exercise. And all the crap in your head that's really holding you back from seeing and feeling the change you want.

You incorporate putting the work into your mindset, and you WILL get to where you want to be! And you'll be able to do it in a healthy way, in a way that feels good, and in a way that LASTS.

xo 

-Ki